Friday, August 1, 2008

uneasy anxious feelings

As I lie awake in the night, Jeremy stirring, little lady fussing for a drink of water, D talking (a whole conversation with himself about going outside to play), W up because he heard something (duh... it's your brother!), still as could be I just laid there, couldn't fall asleep could not find peace in my mind. Ever have a night like that? That you know you need to sleep but just have that blank feeling.
Met a wonderful family in the evening about me watching the two children. It went pretty good I guess, seeing how she said "I was really hoping I would get here and not like you" (she is having a hard time leaving her current sitter) and as she left she said "thank you for making my decision so hard". What I said, "YOU ARE WELCOME!". Complament? I hope so because that is how I took it but I feel axious waiting to hear if I have been chosen by their family to keep the children. It runs through my head... are they not liking the price I said?, are they not liking that I charge hourly?, did they not like our kids or our situation?, tons of questions were asked (which was pretty cool, she was REALLY prepared) and I just wondered if I answered them "correctly", truthfully, yes.... correctly? who the heck knows.
Laying there awake wondering how school is going to go.... do I enroll D in preschool? are the big boys going to do well and not be bullies or bullied. Sometimes being a mom just makes me need to take a deep breath. If I get the kids, D could go to preschool....if I don't should we work something out anyway? Do I just take care of him here? He has never had that socialization privalige. Grrrrrr.
I tell you what it is a good thing that I have God and my faith on my side. I don't know if I would ever sleep if I didn't. My parents were sooooo vidulant in raising us in the church. Back growing up it seemed like a pain and I just did not see it positivly most of the time. There was even a time in my early 20s that I was not active in the church. Well, thanks to a whole bunch of kids that call me mom (trust me, they say it often enough there is no question) it is up to me (and Jeremy of course who by the way has had such a faith walk this year. Being confirmed and more active than I could have ever prayed for) to bring them up in the Word and the church.
Still looking for God's direction in the whole "family planning thing" (I know I know, but it is on my mind CONSTANTLY).

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