Friday, August 22, 2008

Lying awake...

I had the opportunity to go out with three great girls last night. Jeremy fed and cared for the kids while I had a chance to wear my new jeans... they are awesome! Angie even told me I have a "nice tush" in them! My sister told me the same thing when she bought them for me (first time in my life any woman has ever told me I have a nice bottom... flattered ladies, absolutely flattered). I always am so excited to go out but then I come home and lie awake wondering...
  • I can't stop my mouth, want to, think about it all day before I go... did I offend anyone?
  • touchie subjects...more babies, iuds, teachers, weight, politics, religion... did I offend anyone?
  • scatterbrained... did I finish my sentences? did I finish my conversation? I hate not knowing.
  • interruptions. I find that I interrupt people, not on purpose, I just run my mouth too much. This bothers me to no end. Not intentional, knowing that it is happening, can't fix it.
  • I don't really have many friends... could my mouth be why? well of course but I feel like I am so lost on how to fix it. Maybe I need to get more adult interaction so when I do get it it isn't so over whelming.
  • I want to be around people but I can't figure out how to "behave appropriately" I come feeling like a twelve year old.

I had no intentions on hurting anyone so I pray about it and calm down... mind continues to wander as it does every night....lying awake thinking, listening...

  • Is D going to stay dry all night? Did J give him too much to drink? Did my boys behave to give Jeremy enough of a break so that I could maybe just maybe go out again?
  • D talking in his sleep, W responding to the conversation...both sleeping.
  • D begins to stir... get up and take him to the potty, yep, he had to go!
  • L gonna sleep all night or get up for a drink of water?
  • H gonna complain he has a headache
  • what if we were to have more babies, would I lose even more friends
  • woops did I make too much noise lying here, j just rolled over again.
  • whats on the Olympics tonight? did I miss anything? what is on right now?
  • I feel lonely, how do I fix that?
  • should we get a bus and fix it too? it looks like an awesome project
  • how do people really feel about me
  • what will tomorrow bring, hoping it wont rain...could really use a 40hour week.
  • how are my siblings... how are my parents fairing (and really I know all of this already but it still runs through my head)
  • i have lots of work to do. need to be more organized. want to be a better mom and person as a whole.

I know, how in the heck would I sleep letting all of this garbage run through my head. Every night. Slowly but surely I attempt to fix what I can. Really in my heart and mind I don't want to care what people think but I can't help it. I long for friends. People that genuinely give a shit about me. That like me for who I am not for who I am married to or who my kids are. That don't care how many babies we have or don't have that just plain like me. When I had L I lost a whole bunch of friends (I use this scenario...but please know no one really is a just paints the picture of how I feel) when I had our forth baby it was like "someone flipped on the light switch and all of the roaches scattered" she is an amazing little girl and no one really knows that. Really, nothing has changed at my house except special diapers and another mouth do feed. But then again, that is how I see it...maybe I did/have changed and that is why? I don't really know and probably never will. I wanna think that I don't care...try to put on a good front.

Pretty much I stick to my family and my faith. I find myself enjoying perfect strangers blogs(AudreyCaroline, Stellan, Noah, there are so many that I enjoy, along with the clickers on the side of my blog for *SAVING MONEY (don't worry, I wont tell your hubbies what I do, I just tell mine how much money I save and what we got for free this month) a couple of my friends run blogs too... I can't help but check on them every day also...Jessica and Jill, did you click on the word bus above? that is my most favorite).

I am weird, I am strong spoken, I am lonely.